O no, not again!

Did you catch that cover of Oprah in the check out line this month? Fat Again or some such headline caught my eye. Her story in her own words.

I turned on the TV last week and there she was describing her predicament, "Well, I decided to talk about my weight because I know everyone else is talking about it..." You know how she does when she shakes her head and speaks in that fake southern accent and hyper-emphasizes her expressions.

Let's go O-ver this. Humor me. Remember the first time she exploited getting skinny 20+ years ago? Remember the skinny jeans and the boots...I think I was in middle school. Then, she "did it" the good and healthy way and decried the evils of diet pills and sold the new methodology. And now, this? It's like deja vu, except, she really did already walk this road, very publicly. And she's exploiting her weight, again?

I wonder if she fell off the wagon on the advice of her accountant.

Here's the irony of the situation: now she's decided to make money on "the before" and she doesn't even have to put in the work, except lip-service. Is she so worshipped and are her words so credit-worthy that she can cash in on being overweight in America, of all places in the world?

A few observations:

It's like selling ice to Eskimos.
Oprah is a brilliant profiteer.
This really is the land of opportunity.

And we know that whatever she's doing doesn't stick. Thankfully she's not falling back on the food-addiction bit. She acknowledged that she knows what to do, she just doesn't want to do it. I O-ppreciate that.

If I could do what she does, and create an industry (worth millions) out of my weaknesses, then I'd control the world and pick the next President, too.

Ohhh, did I really say that? Of course she didn't pick the President, but her words are resoundingly influential. Remember when the beef industry rose up against the Oprah-industry because she said what she said and (they thought) she cost them a fortune in lost red meat sales?

Can you imagine your words being so revered?

"Great people of America, today I am going to tell you about being a slovenly, messy home-maker. Walk with me as I invoke the experts to teach me to become a fit, fabulous, super-do-it-all mom. Let's do it together. Buy my home making products, read my blog (and thereby support my faithful advertisers) and we will conquer this great problem together..."

(And please contact my agent if you think we can profit on the likeness of my adorable child. He can model for Walmart, if they pay better than Target, even though I truly prefer shopping at HEB.)

Who will be my Gail?

Silly Stuff

In response to Tooj's Board Games Gone Blog, I have all the answers. (I love board games, too!)

1. Things you shouldn't do with glue

Fix your split ends.

2. Things you shouldn't touch

If you are a guy, the "B" word, or the "C" word.

3. Things you'd like to do with chocolate

Melt it and dip things in it.

4. Things you shouldn't attempt at my age

low cut jeans/skinny jeans (they flatter no one, but teen-agers don't know any better.)

5. Things that should have an expiration date

Grudges

6. Things you shouldn't do when you are naked

Ride in the back of a pick up truck, Tubing down the Guadalupe, Bungee jump...should I go on?



Silly, Silly! Have a great week!

Soul Food and Conservation in Texas

I am so excited to share a story with you that will feed your soul. A true story that is so amazing, its hard to imagine such a thing could really happen. But it did and it happened in a small town not far from where I live (and not many years ago.)

I'm talking about a DVD that was given to us for Christmas called The Heart of Texas. It is a documentary that recreates the story of a couple of families brought together by God to demonstrate His awesome power and love. It is a modern day Job story.

OK, so I said modern day. The characters don't lose camels or develop boils, but they experience heartache and loss in the most profound way. But through faith, their lives and pain are used as instruments for God's purpose.

Does anyone want to see how God can and does, in this day and age, work miraculous feats through ordinary people? I have a copy and I want to share it! (Is it wrong to bootleg so that more people can experience this?...hee...hee.)

I AM being intentionally vague about describing this DVD, because I don't want to spoil it for anyone. I hope you watch it...this is the most decadent kind of soul food!

My thoughts
I was just asking (out lout) some "whys?" earlier this week. I heard such a great viewpoint in this DVD about how the family quenched their thirst for answers. I guess if you ask, you shall receive what you need. But God is not content with giving just enough. Our prosperity is His joy. I believe that, because I have experienced some pain and trials of my own. And I seem to come out stronger and better on the other side.

Well, its a beautiful story and I wanted to share. But that's where I'll stop because I'm called to a different purpose than blog ministry. I'm called to entertain and bring joy by making light of the state of affairs in privileged-suburbia. This is the Jungle and I am Upton Sinclair, or something.

And for my part, I will continue to recycle my milk jugs and my wine bottles and to use common sense to minimize my carbon footprint. I only run full loads in the washing machine and dishwasher. Looking forward, I will strive to make one meal per week that is meat-free because our animal consumption is off the charts and gluttonous. And when either of our paid-off cars goes belly-up (which could happen soon) I will pledge to go with a greener people-mover, no leather. And I am partially motivated by the cost of gas and the size of my pa-dunk-a-dunk and electricity bills and so forth. But I also deplore wastefulness!

And if my train of thought confuses, check out what Girly Stuff and Chacha are talking about these days.

Tag, you're it!

She's my "Laaaa-deh!"

It's official. The new administration is in the house and Mr. and Mrs Bush are by now on a plane headed back for the Crawford Ranch. They'll probably be dining on King Ranch Chicken, guacamole and margaritas tonight to celebrate...that's how I picture them: laid back, Texas upper crust.

This one's for you, Laura:

Good-bye, Lady. Southern girl, done good! You crossed the finish line and never broke a sweat. The twins are out of college and involved in serious endeavors and respectable relationships. (Chuys shenanigans behind them, book deals and all!)

I admired your style, your charitable involvement and your sense of humor. (I guess you need that when you've married, um, W.)

Good-bye, Laura, school teacher, book-lover, Mom, First Lady. You really did fulfill the promise of bringing dignity back to the White House and acted the part of a "Lady" every step of the way! Hopefully, your successors will learn from your example. You will be missed!

I can't wish my fond farewells without saying something about this significant day. The Democrats get a turn, now. If I was ten years younger and had less life and work experience, I'd say, "A black president, so what." But I know enough (barely) to be amazed at this new era for politics and life, in general. Good for us!

I still don't like big government, but I acknowledge that my party lost its mind and needs to rethink who we are and where we're headed. We need someone with strong personality, with a perfect balance of class and street cred to embody this new identity. If the "Good Old Boys club" days are not completely behind us, shall we say, we're moving in the right direction? I sincerely hope so!

My pick for one to watch? George P. Bush...remember him speaking at the GOP convention in '04? He was dubbed the Ricky Martin of the GOP, or did I make that up? (It's cool, I'm a peep.) His mom's a Colombian princess or something (again, I could have made that up.)

"P" is from the lone line of Hispanic Bushes. (That's lone.)

Pedigree: Check
Law Degree: Check
Ivy League Educated: Almost, Rice U
Minority: Check plus bonus points (because Latin is the new majority, doncha know?)
Hollywood Connections: Does going to high school with Enrique Iglesias count?
Political Connections: Check and Check

I don't know anything about his politics, but I think he could be a promising new face for the GOP.

Good night, and Good-bye.

Everything you ever wanted to Ask but were too afraid to get Answered

Only Child has been asking me the same question for weeks and I don't have a good answer. By smoke and mirrors, I keep being evasive because he still thinks mommy know everything. I don't want to burst his bubble for as long as possible. And, its sweet to be looked up to like that.

The question is, "Mommy, why does God make thunder? Why mommy?"

Then I say something like, "God made everything. Just like he made the sun and the stars and you and me. So God wanted there to be thunder and he made it."

Then he says, "But why? Thunder is so loud and scary. Why did God make thunder?" (There have been variations, like, why did God make mosquitoes that bite?)

So in a way, I guess he's asking me why God made thunder the way he made it. He's God, couldn't he have made thunder more like a rainbow and mosquitoes more like butterflies?

I have a few questions of my own. Why are life lessons learned by sadness and loss? Why can't they be taught to us in a classroom at Disneyland while we munch funnel cakes and corn dogs and never get obese? Why is there illness and heartbreak and poverty and all kinds of painful things the little guy knows nothing about?

Why do we put so much value on time and money when people and relationships are the real treasure? Why is faith so difficult when its so much harder to run on the alternative fuel? Why am I so often blind to the obvious? What purpose does guilt serve in anyone's life?

Why does my kid ask so many hard questions? Asking lots of questions is my game. Maybe I'll teach him to turn his curiosity into something productive like sarcasm.

How am I going to keep up this know-it-all charade? Clearly I know much, much less than a fifth-grader. I can barely work a DVD player, so how am I going to convincingly answer his questions when he becomes a teenager?

Why is thunder so loud and scary?

Dear MMA,

Husband, as you know, laser printing has been your business for over a decade. During your tenure, we have been without printing capability at home for about 5 of those years (on and off.) Case in point, remember the time you snatched the printer from our home because a customer wanted a good used work horse just like it? As I recall, I didn't get another one for more than a year. I had to borrow (gasp) an ink-jet from my SIL to hold us over. The cobblers children, as they say, go without shoes.

I know, you do not sell laser printers, per se, for a living. Still. I know you are the kind of man that takes care of your business. I bragged all about it here. Let's pretend I am your customer and I need to place a big, big, order. But this order is contingent on having a machine to print with.

Please hook me up with reliable at home printing so I can continue to turn the fabulous money saving tricks at the store which require me to print online coupons. Its a hobby I enjoy and it anti-costs us money and I missed out on some great deals these last couple of weeks.

If an all-in-one fax, scanner, printer were to make its way into our home, I would treat it like a member of our very family!

Signed,
Your Superstar

One finger says to the other...

I've been busy making my bathroom all nicey, nice. You'll see soon.

And another thing, do you know what today is?
Not my birthday.
Not my anniversary.
Today is the day you show yourself.


Who knows the source of this little bit?

"We're going streaking. Through the quad...C'mon everybody!"