Sweet Nothings

With all the kid sadness going around lately, I just want to pinch my little guy's cheeks to red and plant kisses all over his round little face. Which is not so round anymore since the baby fat rolls are gone. But, he won't let me hold or cuddle him anymore. On rare occasion that I manage to land a few smooches, he wipes them off and tells me that I am not to give him any more kisses.


"We'll, see big talker. Not such a big boy when you wake up in the middle of the night crying for mommy, are ya!?" (Actually, that doesn't happen anymore, either.)

I just have to face it, the baby is all-grown up. He's big enough to take advantage of our weakness for his persuasive charms. Like when he needs help climbing a tree -- a new passion-- he'll play the "I need help 'cuz I'm just a little guy" card. Loves to call himself "little guy." (Is manipulation instinctive for pretty people?)

My big/little guy has a hairdresser and her name is Jessica. She's this pretty little thing that gives her FULL attention and laughs at his jokes. Its a big day at our house when he gets a haircut. I can twist his arm to get whatever I need, lest I threaten to cancel. This last time, I assumed my usual position next to him in the chair. And he told me "Mommy, just go sit over there," pointing, no, dismissing me to the waiting area. (Do all men instinctively gravitate to eye-candy?)

Little Guy is a nude monger. He strips himself completely bare at nap time and calls himself "Naked Baby." He then proceeds to make requests in the third person. "Naked Baby needs his blanky. Naked baby needs you to close the closet door. Tell Naked Baby a story about when you were little." But don't you call him a baby or you'll get told. (OK, I get that being naked is fun when there's no shame in your game.)

I've been down lately about my house still not being put back together from Ike. There are still a few projects that stand between "complete" and where we are now. And there have been days that I can't remember taking the time to play or laugh with my boy. Some days are a blur of harsh words, timeouts, and spankings.

I must remind myself that I can't get today back or whatever day it was that I moped around my house too spent to do anything productive. We're all healthy. MMA is gainfully employed. I adore those two. And I am just really thankful for everyday things like fussing over my healthy, egotistical little boy.

(Who just asked "Mom, could you go get some goodies from the goody bowl and share 'em with your little one." How can I say "no" to that?) Maybe I can trade him some candy for the option to run my fingers through his curls.

A Tale of Two Chips: Mommy Cuts, Part II

"Denny's has the Best Nachos ever!" M&M said at Girly Stuff's Superbowl Party as I helped myself to seconds and thirds of all the cheesilicious dips that she had brought.

My ears instantly perked up.

"Really?...Denny's?...I would never think to order Nachos from Denny's..." I think I said.



So today after church, MMA decided we should go, (where else?) to Denny's for breakfast since we rushed out of the house without eating much.

Since it was technically after noon when we sat down, and since I never order anything but breakfast at Denny's, I decided to live a little. M&M knows her way around a tortilla chip, so I figured I was in for a treat. Besides, one of my favorite foods of all time are ballpark nachos and I hardly ever make it to an Astros game anymore.

Oh, I like the kind of nachos you can get anywhere with the processed cheese food, canned jalapenos and round chips in a plastic tray. But if I'm at Minute Maid Park, I am magnetically and inexplicably pulled to the deluxe nachos every time. The deluxe start out like regular nachos, but then they are slathered in chili taco meat, sour cream, salsa and served with a spork. The first few bites are heavenly, but from there, the whole experience goes downhill, fast. I should know better by this stage in life...

My husband forced a half smile in my direction as I dove in. He was trying not to judge my choice. I did not care, anyway. The monster mound in front of me was my muse for the moment. Huge, sloppy, cheesy and just greasy enough, Denny's nachos did not disappoint!

I ate about half the plate when the urge to run to the bathroom started to kick in. That was my cue to stop eating. The mind was willing but the flesh was weak. I told MMA to go pay and don't look back. I thought being left alone at the table and pretending to myself that he would drive off without me would be the only way I could pull myself away before things turned........ugly.

He said gently, "No, I'm not in any hurry."

Unspoken expression runs so deep between long-term partners. I looked at the half-devoured mess on my plate and back at the one who sat across from me. A man who has seen me at my best, at my worst and like today in chili-stained weakness. I looked at him grateful to be loved in this condition.

"Why did I order these?" I asked as the churning in my stomach became audible.

"You love to hate yourself," he answered, without a hint of judgement. He just said what was, at that table in Denny's today.

I began to nod in agreement as he brought to my attention that what I was actually eating, were Minute Maid Deluxe Nachos.

"Gasp!" The room was spinning as I started checking off familiar ingredients in my head. Twice the portion. Half the price. But these were the very same nachos made famous by Aramark. They love me and they leave me...burning, every time.

They found me because I couldn't come to them. If distance makes the heart grow fonder, maybe their new-found accessibility (right in my own backyard) will cure me of this tormenting affair. One thing is for sure, we can't go on like this.

Excuse me, (pant, pant) I need to take care of some private business!

Makes the World Go 'round

Every where I turn someone is talking about money, either directly or indirectly. We're all so consumed with how we spend it. If we're saving enough of it. Where our next dose of it is coming from. Its all money, money, money, lately.

Not surprising, really, with the media shoving recession-fear into our hearts every time we turn on the TV. Its fair to say these are tough times for a good number of Americans, but isn't that true anytime someone loses a job or can't pay the bills?

We are not above the money talk around here. MMA and I have had our own meeting of the minds several months ago to make sure we're on track for today's circumstances and planning for the "what ifs" that could be around the corner. It's not fun to consider scary things like losing a livelihood or medical emergencies. But...

Once you've done what you can to take care of your family, the rest is in God's hands. Not that I want to be a homeless martyr, but every thing we own, including our house, is dispensable. (Did I say that? Crap! I like my stuff.)

Warning:
Political Commentary
Turn away as needed

So what about this massive stimulus bill?! Can anyone tell me exactly where this nearly 800 billion dollars is coming from? I don't disagree with pumping money into the economy right now, but if its on the condition of printing more and more of an ever-depleting dollar, I need help connecting the dots. Maybe there's an ivy-league economist who can explain it to me.

I'm so cynical about how these things work. How many FAT palms will be greased on the road to helping the average American keep their head above water? We heard very little about the fat that slipped in with this bill, so apparently the media is on board.

(And, honestly...is it understood in Washington that our days of involvement in the war are numbered and that that money is being quietly diverted back home? Too little coverage has me worried that this economy has created the perfect excuse to speed up the exit plan. What is the exit plan? I pray its not, "we can't afford this anymore, we're out" or worse, a de facto withdrawal that leaves token soldiers behind to be slaughtered.)

Can you tell I love to hate the media's biased coverage of all things political?

It's Hope and Change one day, and Gloom and Doom, the next! My three year old reminds me when I slip up that "hate" is not a nice word. So I love to loath the media...actors who sit behind a desk! Talk Soup has more journalistic integrity than the networks! (Fox, you're no better, you just happen to see things my way.) Its really about advertising dollars, isn't it?

Back on the Home Front

Let's talk about real lives and adapting to the "end of the gilded age" as Nightline dubbed it last week. [Rolling my eyes.]

Well for one thing, my new rule is that I don't pay full price on anything anymore. If it ain't on sale, I can wait. If doesn't go on sale, I don't need it.

Remember my post about turning tricks? I'm pretty proud of this new skill. Some weeks I spend only $40 or $50 on groceries (when the freezer is full and I plan our meals based on my stockpile.) Other weeks I spend the full $100 dollars but those are weeks that I buy wine, stock up sale items or splurge. I don't feel like we're making any major sacrifices, I'm just more careful in general. And I haven't paid for things like toothpaste, toilet paper and shampoo in months by following blogs like MSM and SOC. (These ladies are also in the know about how to get free magazine subscriptions, dinners out, even free undies from Victoria's Secret!)

My new favorite find is Shortcuts.com and Cellfire.com which are paperless coupon sites that allow you download coupons to your cellphone or Kroger card which are automatically applied at the store. You can double dip by stacking the paperless coupons with clipped coupons and that's how you can get things free. Since I started using these sites, my target price for a box of cereal is $1 or less. This is fun for me, don't judge!

I had a reality check around the holidays when I looked at my pantry stockpiled with lots of free or almost free foods that we just don't eat and I had to acknowledge that I'd taken things a bit far. It doesn't matter if I get instant potatoes for 12 cents a box...we don't eat instant potatoes! We donated bunch of perfectly good food and my shopping is now the wiser for it.

One casualty in all of this is spontaneity. I don't call MMA on shopping day anymore to ask what he wants for dinner. I don't buy $5 pints of strawberries just because they look good. We eat what is seasonal and on sale. Meals out are planned. Brand loyalty went out the window, too. I still buy MMA his precious Mach 3 razors, but he has to use them until their dull enough for Only Child to play with, then we recycle them as a toy...Wanted to see if you're still listening.

How is money driving your life these days?

On Parenting and Marriage

I have taken to antagonizing Only Child for my entertainment. Sick huh? I think I'm doing this out of some sort of passive aggression over his recent demanding behaviour and smart mouth.

He started attending a new MDO in January where he's in a class with "older kids" (4 year olds) and all of the sudden he's telling me off and acting like a brat. Of course, I'm not even considering internal factors from our idyllic home that could have contributed. I'm eager to point the finger at the school, society or someone else's ill-behaved child for contaminating mine. I'm not letting him slide (much) and the constant struggles are wearing me down.

So to infuse a little fun, I started doing this thing where I read his Dora books with a Rosie Perez accent. I get my inspiration from Click the Camera. Only Child gets so mad and hollers at me to "Stop that!" and "No, you're not reading it right! Read it right, Mommy!" Eventually he will snatch the book and slam it closed...He knows there is no "w" in Dora.

Now, I can't stop doing it. I laugh; he gets mad. Eventually he starts laughing, too and then he's mad that I made him laugh when he's trying to be grumpy. I know I shouldn't tease my child, but its so much fun!

The first time I exasperated him with my linguistic-comedic-genius everyone was laughing and MMA was clowning my version of a Puerto Rican accent, claiming it was awful and only sounded right to me (like my singing, then?) He secretly finds it sexy.

One of MMA's favorite Dad-fetishes is the hot little number, Genevieve from Choo Choo Soul. She does five minute fillers between shows on the Disney Channel where she is hip hop dancing and belting out bad kid tunes aboard a make-believe train. Check out her body of work on You Tube if you're not already familiar.

Dad goes ga-ga for her ticket-taker outfit that makes her look like the featured entertainer at a bachelor party. Seriously, I think it has velcro up the sides. He says she's extremely talented and our son agrees. Our house comes to a complete standstill when Genevieve is on TV.

And, somehow we decided that she was Puerto Rican -- I think on account of the hoop earrings and the accent. So Disney is really onto something that could potentially improve my marriage and my parenting skills at the same time.

I wonder if the boys in my house would listen a little better if I sport some big 'ol...........................................................................hoop earrings.

Now on to the Duggars

I can't jive with the Duggar family, either. My reasons are very shallow.

I don't watch the show because I find myself screaming (inside) "Stop having kids already!! Jim Bob, for the love of God, please leave that poor woman alone!"


First of all, can one mother care for all of those children? The older children have had adult responsibilities put upon them because of the parents' choices. Doing chores and helping around the house is a good thing for kids. But should it be on the kids to do all the laundry, all the cooking, all the cleaning. I get the impression that the kids handle the chores so mom can be fresh for her dates with dad. And they are serious about their date nights!

And who, pray tell, gets up in the middle of the night to feed the always-present infant? I suspect the older kids are on night-bottle-duty because Michelle and Jim Bob have to sleep sometime.

OK, home schooling. I was a teacher once...how can one person home school all of those kids? Its a full time job to teach one subject or one grade level, much less fifteen kids of different ages while caring for toddlers and infants. I can't understand how even a mediocre effort is possible. And yet, the kids seem well-spoken and admirably polite.

My neighbor pointed out to me that Michelle is now in her forties and the odds are much greater that she might have a child with Downs Syndrome. Being educated people who have already been blessed with many healthy children, I wonder if that risk puts any weight on their heart.

I know that there was a time when agrarian society made large families more practical. But that time is long over and I don't get it in this day and age. Religious explanations don't add up for me either, because in my interpretation, God wants us to have quality over quantity in our family structure.

In fairness to the Duggars, they do seem to be a nice family. I like their soft-spoken humility. Obviously to them, more is more.

I see a family that big and I think, having SO many takes away from your ability to do for the ones you already have and clearly love. Health care, higher education, the occasional dinner out...geez! Makes my head spin.

Example: I did a quick estimate in my head and came up with $2000/day...that's how much it would cost to take a family of twenty to Disneyland. Per Day! Can you imagine? OK, so maybe they don't place the same value on taking their kids to Disneyland as I do. Or maybe they do want frivolous things and that's why they do the show. Or maybe they do the show just to put food on the table, and in that case, what about families like the Duggars who don't have a show?

In fair disclosure, I come from a big family. There are seven of us kids. I have no ill-will about being from a big family. I liked that our house was never quiet and there was always something going on. Our family vacations were modest and still wonderfully memorable (usually road trips in our VW pop up van -- sweet.) But I always knew that I would never want more than 2, maybe 3 kids.

I guess my background makes me especially critical of the Gosselins; I am a product of public schools but not public assistance. And they're so shameless about soliciting the handouts. Oh, they could do it on their own, with sacrifices that they are not interested in. And if we're comparing apples to apples, both families make a living in the same way.

So back to the Duggars and a show that seems to glorify having all the kids God and a body will allow. But, what about the hardships? Can they do even one "real" episode where preteen daughter throws a hissy fit because she can't have the latest jeans that everyone else her age wears. Or fifteen year son old tells mom and dad he's going on a date so they'll have to watch their own kids tonight. Even the Bradys got out of line every once in a while. How about the episode where mom reveals she has to use adult diapers after all those babies. Again, I say, there's no reality in these so-called reality shows!

One last note, a blog called Tom and Trix Plus Six does a great parody of both shows complete with avatars. And I thought I was too involved...

My Gosselin Prediction

The prediction? They're on their way out. We loved them back in the day, but now they're just another showbiz family. So unless the 'tups kids can sing and dance...

I was forewarned that this subject has already been much-blogged about. But I have to say something about Jon & Kate Plus 8 and how reality TV has taken the reality right out of their lives.

I watched on occasion; never faithfully. Once upon a time, MMA and I liked to giggle and watch as Type A mom manages her eight, make that, nine children. We were amused by the chaos and constant motion of their household. And, admittedly, watching the show made us feel better about our day-to-day parenting and marital struggles.

Now I'm kind of over it.

One day I turned on the show and realized that their day-to-day lives have become a blur of all expense paid trips, speaking engagements and celebrity perks, one after another. Kate makes no bones about it. Her family brings attention where ever they go, and that attention is a marketable asset.

"So, you want to put braces on my twins? That will cost you $14K apiece and we'll need your office as a green room during filming... You want us to stay at your hotel in Hawaii? You will have to fly out our family, extended family, and entourage of hired help and discuss the incidentals with our attorney... Sure, we can do a segment where we "shop" in your store for the show...and you will provide us with a year of groceries in exchange...and we eat only organic, by the way."

Now, on the one hand, who can blame them? They've got eight little bodies to Gymboree and people were going to peek in their windows anyway, (or so Kate has said on the show.) And now both Jon and Kate get to be stay at home parents with one additional responsibility: managing the family endorsements. They are not unlike the Jackson Five; they are the Gosselin Ten.

But on the other hand, its not as interesting to watch Kate march around a mansion with fancy highlights and a nanny two steps behind while she barks out orders and belittles her husband who now has no where else to be. Their life was never normal, but you have to admit the oh-my-God-how-will-they-do-it? factor made them more interesting. And with all the responsibilities of starring in a popular reality show, how much time is really devoted to the kids and how much goes into the family business?

Kate is a first-class stage mom, who reserves the spotlight for herself. We know how meticulous she is...whole shows have been dedicated to her obsessive behaviour. But that was comic relief, because no one is really that organized, right? Particularly not a mom with eight small kids, but she managed to have tight systems in place and bake homemade birthday cakes and sneak in numerous trips away with her husband before the big-money days. Now that Kate has willed and clawed her brood into reality show stardom, just think of the pimped out closets this has afforded her! Now she can match the kids every day of the week in...whatever celebrity moms dress their kids in these days.

It's become sort of a bizarre, Nick at Nite meets Dynasty with lots of unnecessary drama and at least six well-behaved kids; Mady, or Kate, being the Alexis-tyrant on any given episode.

But now that we know how they manage, (the family, in particular, the children, have been leveraged to afford the lifestyle they desired) I don't find them as endearing anymore. The kids are precious, don't get me wrong. I sincerely hope that their fifteen minutes doesn't haunt them later on down the road.

Jon & Kate's new house (check it out) is nothing short of a compound, very secluded, on acreage and is reportedly worth 1.3 million dollars. They've come a long way from the welfare days. (Those sextuplets have been worth their weight in gold, if its not to brassy of me to point out.)

It was a good ride. I enjoyed watching over the years, and look what a franchise they've become...

And now some delusional broad has just had eight babies by in vitro! You can take the girl with big dreams of turning her womb into a moneymaker out of the Jack in the Box... (And ya, if you have 14 babies without a man in the picture that pretty much makes you a "broad." Sorry Ms. Schmidt*)

O no, not again!

Did you catch that cover of Oprah in the check out line this month? Fat Again or some such headline caught my eye. Her story in her own words.

I turned on the TV last week and there she was describing her predicament, "Well, I decided to talk about my weight because I know everyone else is talking about it..." You know how she does when she shakes her head and speaks in that fake southern accent and hyper-emphasizes her expressions.

Let's go O-ver this. Humor me. Remember the first time she exploited getting skinny 20+ years ago? Remember the skinny jeans and the boots...I think I was in middle school. Then, she "did it" the good and healthy way and decried the evils of diet pills and sold the new methodology. And now, this? It's like deja vu, except, she really did already walk this road, very publicly. And she's exploiting her weight, again?

I wonder if she fell off the wagon on the advice of her accountant.

Here's the irony of the situation: now she's decided to make money on "the before" and she doesn't even have to put in the work, except lip-service. Is she so worshipped and are her words so credit-worthy that she can cash in on being overweight in America, of all places in the world?

A few observations:

It's like selling ice to Eskimos.
Oprah is a brilliant profiteer.
This really is the land of opportunity.

And we know that whatever she's doing doesn't stick. Thankfully she's not falling back on the food-addiction bit. She acknowledged that she knows what to do, she just doesn't want to do it. I O-ppreciate that.

If I could do what she does, and create an industry (worth millions) out of my weaknesses, then I'd control the world and pick the next President, too.

Ohhh, did I really say that? Of course she didn't pick the President, but her words are resoundingly influential. Remember when the beef industry rose up against the Oprah-industry because she said what she said and (they thought) she cost them a fortune in lost red meat sales?

Can you imagine your words being so revered?

"Great people of America, today I am going to tell you about being a slovenly, messy home-maker. Walk with me as I invoke the experts to teach me to become a fit, fabulous, super-do-it-all mom. Let's do it together. Buy my home making products, read my blog (and thereby support my faithful advertisers) and we will conquer this great problem together..."

(And please contact my agent if you think we can profit on the likeness of my adorable child. He can model for Walmart, if they pay better than Target, even though I truly prefer shopping at HEB.)

Who will be my Gail?