Thursday, May 14, 2009


I survived bathing suit shopping and I didn't kill Only Child even once in the dressing room when no one else was looking.

I think first pregnancies are for going all out and spending lots of money to show off the blossoming tummy. Been there, done that. I am content to buy as little as possible and squeeze into my regular tee's until they're just too short. (My son calls them Winnie the Pooh shirts.)

So spending big bucks on a bathing suit was never a consideration. In fact, my only qualifications are (1) to not look vulgar and (2) to draw as little attention as possible. Looking cute at the pool's got nothin' to do with it...I'm just trying to hang in there for Only Child's sake.

And can I butt in for a second and ask, who are these freaks of nature that walk around in bikinis with their porno-bellies hanging out, no fat thighs, no stretch marks, and crazy enough in the head to think they look good? Some of them actually do look just fine. For pregnant women.

And on to Target, the first and last stop in our bathing suit hunt. Our search begins there when I remember Motherhood's strict "no refunds for any reason whatsoever" policy. (I mean, if a pregnant woman is not allowed to change her mind...then screw you! -- hypothetically speaking.) And I'd like the record to show that Target and Old Navy have as good or better to pick from and they don't sell your personal information out to a dozen junk mail distributors.

Everything out now (and for the last few years) seems to be a halter. So that means the bathing suit tie that rests on my neck has support countless pounds of big-girl-bounce. Which is borderline too heavy when I'm NOT pregnant. Style who? Just too impractical.

After nine different halter tops, my [insert body part]s were chaffing from all the putting on, taking off. I even considered a plus size top, but they were too short and provided extra room for 360 degrees of roundness.
We were getting hungry and tired. Only Child was laying on the floor of the dressing room begging me to shoot him. I was about to give up when I saw it.

There, on the clearance rack was the only top in the store that could support my rack. A pink and black flowery thing hanging there with regular over-the-shoulder straps. It could have been velvet with a picture of Jimmy Hendrix's a$$ on it. If was my size, (and it was) I would have taken it.

I didn't even try it on. I just bought it, because it had sufficient fabric to cover us up and it saved me a trip to another store. Amen. The fact that it was on clearance just cemented for me that it was meant to be.

And if that wasn't score enough, the Rockets just beat the Lakers and we've been hatin' on Kobe Bryant this whole series.

It was a good day!


Terra said...

oh, I had major melt downs each time I walked into a maternity store...Yes, I even cried a time or two ... I am SO not a show off the belly kind of gal I hid my Pregnancy belly as long as I could with both. The miracle of life is so unfair to the bearer of life.

Girly Stuff said...

I am so going to find you a Jimi Hendrix bathing suit!

I never wore a suit when I was prego. I remember standing by the pool looking all cute in my capris while Daddy bobbed around with Boy #1.

And I have no idea what you are talking about with the support for a rack. I have never ever had that problem. In fact, I remember getting the itty bitty titty award at a drill team swim party! Do you remember who gave that to me? The nonblogger M&M!

Aggie2percenter said...

Purple Haze! Runnin' through my brain!

Mother Hood said...

Sounds like quite a "trip".

Sara said...

Yeah for bathing suits that fit! I have major issues finding suits and I'm not pregnant. Just a small chest with a huge butt that needs VS help on top and an XL on bottom, but oh yeah, they don't make XLs. Glad you found one!

Live.Love.Eat said...

I hate bathing suit shopping. I only own 2 bathing suits. What I love wearing, especially around the pool at home is just one of those camisole tanks with a bikini bottom. So comfy and the belly is hidden :)