Friday, February 26, 2010

More confessions from the Closet

Literally, I'm the girl with junk in the trunk [of my automobile...right this minute.]

There's an old telephone, a flip flop (just the one) and various magazines, plus other stuff that looks like trash to everyone but me.

What you need to know about my issue, people like me, the Cluttery among us, WE are a little schizo.

Rational me knows I'm not right . Irrational me wants to hang on to that flip flop just a little longer because the other one might just show up. Rational me says, "So what! Throw it away and be done with it. You have other flip flops WITH MATES." Irrational me says, "One more year. Just one more year."

So you see what I'm dealing with? They don't make medicine for this. Not that I'm aware of.

So, cold turkey, I have been getting rid of things that are not enriching my life. Its like a little game: What will I throw away today? Usually it feels empowering, but not always.

Do you know how hard it is for me to put an old blue Tiffany box in the trash and walk away? Did you ever see that scene from Sex in the City where Miranda puts the cake in the trash and then goes back to eat a bite?

This is the year I lose my pack rat, thing. That's why I'm putting it out there. Accountability, baby. So when you see me you will (however uncomfortable it may be) ask me, "How's your clutter today?"

I have an idea for a reality show in the same vein as the Biggest Loser. Because I get why a morbidly obese person would go on TV in the most unforgiving spandex and bare it all for help.

Here's the premise: Your husband/partner signs you up. Producers come to your house and verify that you do have a clutter issue. They take video of your deepest darkest closets, under your beds, they count how many junk drawers you have. They record your house at its worst. Then they send over an organization expert to get you in shape. They outfit you with the latest Stacks and Stacks technology. Unified hangers in every closet. No socks unturned.

Then, they lie in wait. They can and will come back unannounced at any time. It could be 2 months later or it could be 2 years later, but you never know when it will be. You keep your crap in order because you live in fear.

If your house is a wreck when they come, you get stuck for the extreme makeover bill and they show the clutter cam on prime time. But if your house is organized and clutter-free, you get to keep all the stuff AND you get a fabulous vacation to somewhere off the charts. I'm still working on the pitch...but getting my house in shape is really prize enough (and I can't do that on my own, WHY?)

I should publish a picture of my dining room table to prove my candidacy. But then I'd feel so naked.

And, in random news that made me laugh this week, I spied a guy driving around in a blue Dodge Caravan with a "Tap Out" sticker on the back.

P.S. Good luck to MMA who's doing the Conoco Phillips 10K Rodeo Run tomorrow. He hasn't been able to train as much as he would have liked because life gets in the way. We would love him even if he hobbled across the finish line, but he won't. He'll charge through like a warrior.


Terra said...

oh honey I have been divulging my CLUTTER around my blog a lot lately..I have photographed and confessed...we are moms...we have kids, who has the time to live in a show home?

Girly Stuff said...

I understand about the need to declutter. It is my crack.

You should see my garage right now. But I can justify the process if I make money off it.

Random Research Girl said...

I would win in that kind of show unfortunately...

chacha said...

I like it! The living in fear of crazy closet organizer bill would totally keep me in shape. Or maybe it would force me to pay someone else to keep my house in shape! ha!