Me: Nasty Girl!

I'm in a funk. I can't seem to get it together. My house is a mess. honestly, its more than a mess, its dirty. It's so dirty that picking up the broom to sweep seems to be more about stirring up dust than doing anything productive. That's the truth I'm telling myself to keep from cleaning.

We are in the middle of "projects." A friend charitably referred to it as "remodeling." That's a stretch but I'll take that excuse. I'm so not motivated to clean or make my home presentable until its all done. There will be new carpet and tile (and that can be messy,) so its going to be weeks before I can make things right. Why clean in the interim?

Isn't it amazing how fast one can fall into the downward spiral when one knows that chaos is inevitable? Amazing how fast home sweet home can degenerate into crack house sweet crack house. I'm stepping over piles instead of picking them up because, why move them once, and move them again?

That's incredible lazy, isn't it?

I am lazy. I keep a yucky house. I'm a nasty girl!


"Only Child, put that used rusty needle down right now!"


This is a cry for help.

Leave the mess for two more weeks? Or push my lazy a$$ to clean now, clean in the middle and clean when its all said and done? A once over might make me feel a little better.

Maybe I just need to slum for a while; y'know, sow some wild oats and live on the wild side. I can always clean up my act when the house is all put back together. Right?

I'm bringing Fridays Back!

Ready to get your Friday on?

You ready?

I'm bringing Fridays back!

Our Friday night cocktail hour has gone astray with the holidays turning every day into an occasion for a cocktail, or three, as it were. But tonight we're back!

MMA's been working late all week because business is good and we can't complain about business being good in this economy. So I made a special trip to the store to pick up appetizers for our first real happy hour of 2009.

So for those of you in need of a happy hour at home, but not knowing where to get started, I thought I'd share our menu for tonight and I'm technically talking about food, and its Friday, so I'm back on track. Friday, food.

Here goes:

1. Turkey meatballs from the deli, which I'm going to throw in the crock pot with some beer, picante sauce, bbq sauce and whatever else sounds good.

2. Boiled shrimp, they were big and on sale and I love boiled shrimp; don't you? I make my own cocktail sauce with ketchup, horse radish, garlic, worcestershire and fresh ground pepper. Oh, and a splash of lemon juice.

3. Chips and salsa. I have a new brand to try called "Wholly Salsa." Which has no preservatives and claims to be like home made. I'll be the judge of that.

4. Guacamole, made from scratch. (All though, dang it! I'm out of cilantro.)

5. Grape tomatoes, cheese, olives, wasabi nuts, hummus and crackers (fillers.)

6. Shiner for the man of the house, cranberry & vodkas for me. Wine if needed. Capri Sun for Only Child.

Hope this gives you inspiration for a Friday night happy hour of your own.

Go ahead be gone with it!

Mysery Solved!

Does anyone else get mysterious grease spots on their clothes? Especially on your shirts in the front where you might mistake them for evidence of sloppy eating?

But then, trying to be more careful at the table, and knowing that you did not soil your clothes while eating, the grease spots continue to puzzle you? Because its uncanny how they show up on even your new clothes, ones that you were extra-protective of...

I had a revelation today. Two actually.

I have a greasy orange stain on my right shoulder. The sniff test revealed it to be a Nacho Cheese Dorito smear. Cool Ranch, yes; Nacho Cheese, not so much. And anyway, as you know, I'm stayin away from that junk

Hmm. Only Child ate Nacho Doritos just before I spanked him. He jumped into my arms, cleaving like a baby koala, and cried into that very shoulder. Seemingly heartbroken. Jedi mind tricks in play, I momentarily felt bad about spanking him. There was monsterly behavior that warranted a spanking (and a puny spanking it was, at that.)

Conclusion A: greasy little hands caused greasy little spots on 1/2 of my working wardrobe (i.e. the good T's.) I used to love wearing the color white. And khaki. Nowadays I'm always wearing black. Go figure!

Conclusion B: He adores me when I spank him. When I try to reason and ask nicely, I get the pay-you-no-mind response, or worse. But when I spank, he responds according to my wishes and as a bonus, I get to cuddle with my too-big-to-cuddle boy.

Discussion:
I refuse to postulate about the damage spanking does to his id or his ego. The kid is plenty confident.

I'm the one with the Pavlovian treat at the end. And the schmears on all my clothes that say, "kid-whipped." (And it does hurt me more than it hurts him.)

Results:
Spank as needed and buy more Spray N Wash*

*Interesting Footnote: I never even knew what that was until 3 years ago...

I'm Baaack Bitches!

Yes, that was unnecessary profanity (which MMA abhors.) I'm a huge fan of Dave Chappelle and that seems like a Chappellism, right? But there's never a good occasion to bust out with "bitches" live; otherwise I would. So, I thought I'd sneak it in, but by qualifying, it loses the edge somewhat. I'll work on working it in some other way.

Does anyone remember the "Krazee Eyez Killa" episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm? Where Larry (caricatured old Jewish man) gives Krazee Eyez Killa, a Rapper, material for a song he's working on? We loved that one until our DVR, of its own initiative, weeded it out of our TV library. I would link you to the You Tube video, but its far smuttier than I remembered and this is a family blog.

It's so awkward to hear people like Larry and I slang and slur and try to be hip. But, I digress.

I've been away so long I was afraid I would lose my conditional readers. Here's the thing, my computer went haywire exactly one day after I said "Honey, maybe you should back up those digital pictures to the external hard drive. You know, the one my bro got us over a year ago." Fate had been toyed with too long, and a comment like that must be appeased.

One day later I was feeling nauseous at the prospect of losing all my digital pictures out of sheer carelessness. Then, Super Ricardo (names have been changed...) came to my house and CAME TO MY HOUSE and with his valuable skills, saved the day. Way above and beyond, he went! I would like to send him a gift certificate so he can take his lovely wife to dinner sometime, (if I only knew the name of his favorite restaurant...if I could only get a clue from an anonymous commenter.) I would be SO thrilled to show my appreciation to him. It was a near disastrous situation and I really am grateful!

And, I'm back up and running! I've missed blogging, so.

My decorator and I have been hard at work picking out paint colors and fabric for my bathrooms. Now we've moved on to mirrors and fixtures. This is a special kind of decorator, bitches (just doesn't flow, huh?) She sent me home with presents: a new shower curtain and hooks which I love infinitely more than if I'd picked them out myself, because, now they're "designer."

I felt so important walking around the stores with her doling out professional advice. She's really good at tactfully redirecting me when I start throwing around garish suggestions. If I could just get her to act a little more pretentious in Hobby Lobby, so people would know she's the designer, it would fulfill my delusions!

How's everyone doing with the 'ol resolutions? I will admit that on my first day after the New Year's break (I know, a break before I even got started) I went to Chick Fil A...for Only Child's benefit, of course. Isn't that always the excuse? Someone else needs something and I'm wearing the next size up?

So maybe the resolution should not be about eating better, maybe the promise should be about making my well-being a priority, rather than letting the to do's dictate my day and giving myself the greasy left-overs: figuratively, literally.

I could also hone my time-management skills so I don't cry "no time." Work them out, flex those muscles. I haven't kept a calendar of my own in almost three years! All of my appointments and important dates are written on the tacky calendar on the wall in my kitchen. Sloppy. That's about on par with going to the store in sweats and slippers. (Been there.)

But I'm better than that. Tomorrow we start over.

I'm made Pad Thai for dinner (with no MSG.) Only Child said "thank you for making this Mad Pie, mommy. I really like it!"

(Heart Smiling) Good Night! Stay classy, San Diego.

Happy Birthday, Lee!

Holiday Lull

Goodbye '08; I miss 'ya already! We loved you well, but are looking forward to the new year.

What's going on in the Girldom for 2009? Let's see...

Girly Stuff, my BBFF, ("B" for Blogging) is a soldier for home beautification...I think she dreams in projects and wakes up in the morning to realize them. She has some real life good stuff on the horizon that I'm sure she will be divulging soon. Her creative innards may implode with joy.

Did you already meet the Queen of Themed-Trees? Miss Priss has a collection of twelve amazing trees that she shared during the month of December. As a result, my tree-lust has me prowling for post-Christmas clearance sales. I want to bump up my collection for next year. And you gotta get up pretty early in the morning to get a head start on Miss Priss.

So if you find this set of trees at Target, grab it and buy it for me. You know who you are who have access to the less picked over Targets...

Thinking about my trees brings us back to Superstar, where we belong. I have a question that will require our collective genius. This is a real design dilemma, and I think I know the answer, but I am hoping someone can figure out a way for me to keep one pretty little prelit Christmas tree in my dining room year 'round.

Is there ANY scenario whereby this would be acceptable? I've already bought it and its so precious that I can't bear the thought of putting it in the attic and waiting a whole year to enjoy (or nine months since I'm on the professional schedule for Christmas 2009.) Still, that's a long time to wait.

What if I put little Valentine hearts on it come Jan 1st? And then I can put little Shamrocks on it for St. Patty's, and I have a string of Easter egg lights on deck...Yes? No? I've already retained a decorator, so I have to do what she says or she'll quit; she doesn't do it for the money. (She's asking "what money?" right now.) Help me convince her to say "yes" to a tree in the dining room.

We have one more little party to attend tonight. Our neighbor is hosting a New Year's Eve celebration and kids are invited to attend in their PJs. It will be fun, and I am looking forward to it. But then the festivities abruptly come to an end and I'll be crushed.

I like to hang on to the "holidays" by the last thread. I'm the kind of girl who feels a little sad every Sunday night as the weekend comes to a close. So, I hate when Christmas is over because I want to keep the good times rolling. I hate that people are already flying home and saying good-bye. I hate the depression that sets in January second, when it still feels like the holidays, but it's technically not the holidays anymore. (See, so I need a Prozac-tree.)

I do have some good things to look forward to. We are getting our upstairs bathrooms stripped of hideous wallpaper, textured and painted. Then we are replacing carpet and turning an extra bedroom into an upstairs game room. This requires knocking out walls and is something we've talked about since we bought the house five years ago. It will be great to contain Only Child's loot to a game room and reclaim my downstairs again.

Normally I never let visitors go upstairs because I'm so messy. My goal is to be less junky and purge the stuff that we don't need or use. I want to be 10 trash bags lighter by the end of January.

Additionally, we are adding whole foods to our menu and cutting out the boxed and processed junk. This is going to be a tough one because we love convenience foods. I still need to iron out the exact goals, but I am ready to feel less sluggish and eating better is the easiest way to fix that.

And, this is the year that I read every book! I missed it by half a book this year, which I may still read, but it won't happen by tonight. This year we are reading:

The Thirteenth Tale

The Shack

The Little Children

Merrick

A Line Between Friends

And if you want my reading selections, here are a few books that I truly enjoyed:

The Lovely Bones

The Kite Runner

Pillars of the Earth

(*Pillars is silly and long, but fun to read)

That is all! Happy New Year. Over and out for 2008!

Nuns do '80s & '90s

The Feisty Nuns have been at it again. We just observed our annual December fete which is when we exchange books for the coming year. (M&M and I are still lobbying to drop the "book" facade, but the ranks will hear none of that talk.)

In previous years we have had cookie exchanges or gone out for dinner and drinks. It's pure merriment, whatever we do. Since I happened to host this time, I called for a theme (because, who doesn't love a costume party?) specifically "High School Flashback Night!" Isn't Picky a lovely girl?

I've never had so much fun in the foyer. It was giddy amusement to greet each girl at the door and see their interpretation of the "look" back in those days. Picky was the only one able to unearth her clothing from the era (a sweatshirt puff-painted with her name and hearts all over.)

No problem for the rest of us, though, because with time, our old clothes have become new again. Which means pret-a-porter -Target, in case you want to recreate your own glory days. Too bad it's all cut for a 'tween body (and by tween, unfortunately, that does not mean between motherhood and 40!)

So jolly were we after a few strawberry wine slushies (tried to recreate the sustenance, too) that I didn't even mind that the time frame was blurry. Our high school years straddled the decades yet our outfits were a morph of 80s icons: Madonna meets the Heathers at the Breakfast Club. Tell me that these sweet little Guess shoes would not look hot with acid-washed jeans with a little zipper down the ankle! (Or tight-rolled.)

I donned absurd amounts of mousse and gel and gave my flat-iron the night off. I'm only now appreciating that fifteen years ago when everyone else was paying good money for spiral perms, I had one au-naturale. However, I didn't use nearly enough product back then and the result was a four-year blur of frizz. I only started figuring out my hair in college and then the Rachael-cut was taking off and I almost missed the boat. Just one of the many ways I could have been living large if I knew then what I know now...

And if only I had known that I would be lucky enough to hang on to friends like Girly Stuff, M&M, Red and Picky after all this time I could have saved myself so much angst, frustration, and hassle that comes with adolescent friendships that don't last and can be especially harsh amongst the girls. Why didn't I know then that no one is cool at seventeen because we're all too worried about what everyone thinks of us?! And how did I manage to keep with such a fine group of people? It can't be coincidence or luck. (I'm not just drawn to crazies.)

A word about the inspiration for my outfit.

I bumped into a lady at Chick fil A a few months ago. We were both with our kids and I noticed her familiar face, but it wasn't until later that I could place who she was: an acquaintance from high school.

She was then, and seemed to be now, the ever-perky, always made-up, Southern debutante-type. She was the quintessential high school social climber. Pretty, coy, perpetually campaigning, pragmatic. Looking back, she was already poised and on the hunt for a husband at an age when the rest of us were just leaving behind dolls. And she knew then what we're still learning about men, if you know what I mean.

So when I was planning my outfit, hair and makeup, this young lady, as she was then, became the alter-ego that I set out to recreate. My inspiration, if you will. So, I had to laugh when GS looked at a couple of us dancing and announced "y'all look like you're on birth control." I had embodied my mistress.

So it was a success. And I have to thank M&M and her husband for nailing the music of our youth. That was a huge contribution to the festivities! I chose the same snacks Picky and I used to sneak off campus to eat and I think Picky actually ate (which almost never happens.) And while it was fun to be that girl for one night, I have to say that it's way too much work for this lazy girl.

Don't get me wrong, I like to party; but not in pinchy shoes and lots of make up.

Can you imagine being a teenager again? What from your high school days are you most happy to leave behind? What do you like to relive?

Merry Christmas, Friends

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. I hope the joy of salvation is celebrated in your heart!

We're in the middle of a couple of busy days. But good busy -- full of family visits, food and fun. How can you not love this time of year? The smells, the cookies, the music, the innocence of believing in magic.

It may be a while before I get to say "hi" again. So enjoy your Christmas and count your blessings. And say a little prayer for me that Santa and UPS make it here on time!